apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
