My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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