It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
All I want is dick and wine.
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