Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
