she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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