i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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