it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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