you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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