My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
