well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
