I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
