If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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