i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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