Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
