please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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