There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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