can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
