i think my mom watched the whole time
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
