Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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