Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
