he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
