my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You are the jesus of drinking
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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