I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
