a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
