dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize