he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
