Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
