She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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