Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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