this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
