I think I died a long time ago.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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