I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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