Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
