Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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