i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
