So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
