You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
