I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
