I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
