Your face is a jimmy john
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
