Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
