She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
