I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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