is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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