If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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