I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
