FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
