Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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