I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
