Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
