Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize