my phone needs a breathalizer
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
