my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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