In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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