I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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