If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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