I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
