I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
