First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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