I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
