dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I think I won the penis lottery.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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