I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
