We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
