i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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